According to the Wii Fit I'm at 209 lbs. though according to my scale I'm at 212 this morning and 213 just now. I'm going to go by tonight's measurment and say 213 lbs now. Not bad, not bad. Not as fast as I'd hope for it coming off (remember, I've been doing this for about a week or so already), but headed in the right direction. I have to keep in mind that less than 10 years ago I was a staggering 265 lbs (right before I got pregnant with both of my kids) and as of July of 2007 I was 231. This time last year I was at 217, so honestly, I haven't done to horribly - just slowly, very, very slowly.
Today I was reading another blog of a woman tring to lose weight (actually where I got the idea to put this in writing and make it somewhat public) and she posed the painful question of "Why am I fat?" Seems like the answer would be obvious (I eat to much and move to little) but it's not. And yet, I do know the answer, it's just hard to admit and to be honest, it's embarassing. I eat because I'm emotionally sensitive. Rejection frightens me and sometimes I hate myself so much I look for ways to punish myself that aren't obvious (like cutting). And sometimes, I just can't stop myself from eating, a crushing compulsion to eat, which only makes me feel worse because I know how horrible it is and honestly I really don't even enjoy what I eat, I just have to. Psychologically, I'm a bit shaky and maybe I should be on medication, but I'm not. As far as exercising, I do love to exercise but I've got Fat Girl Phobia. I fear looking rediculous because I'm big, I fear not being able to fit in things (like seats, etc.), I fear not being able to do something because I'm fat and having people laugh at me, I fear being mocked because of my size.
This is a new year and a new slate. I'm determined to have things work out for me this year. I will reach my goals this year. My business will be successful, I will get my dental work done, I will finally get my divorce, I will be independent, I will move in with the man I love, I will be a better mother and I WILL GET HEALTHY. I'm going overcome my Fat Girl Phobia and throw myself into working out again. This time next year I want to be a SUCCESS story.
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