I HEART Starbucks

Cup #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

Anne Morris

What a lovely sentiment on a cup filled with my favorite beverage.

Day 11

Goodness, I am tired. Not that I had an extremely long day (that was Tuesday for me) it was just really busy with things that had to get done. And yet I still left feeling as if i didn't get much accomplished.

Today was a much better day as far as food control went. I was fearing that I was about to take a dive off the wagon and into a box of cookies, but I've gotten back on the wagon. It's all going quite well today. Dinner was a spectacular array of tasty veggies. Even the oldest Tiny Terrorist liked it. And bread, yummy whole wheat, multigrain bread. Very tasty.

Weighed in at 210.4 this morning, but I'm waiting to get that reading another day before I actually count that as my weight.

Day 10

Wow, things have been busy. I intended to post photos and an update on Monday my day off but I got side tracked when D came home. Unfortunately I let the busy get in the way of getting things done, so I didn't get the photos posted, I didn't work out and I just really didn't do much of anything. Blah.

So here are the official photos for Week 2.


From the front.


From the side.

Wow, I didn't think it was possible for the photos to be worse than last week. I decided to wear a different shirt but the same shorts and let the Tiny Terrorists take the photos for me (that's why the side photo is so blurry, the youngest TT took it for me).

I weighed in at 211 lbs this morning. I'm sure that has something to do with having chili pasta for dinner with several pieces of yummy gourmet rosemary bread. It was a wonderful dinner for an icy night but not so fabulous for my waist line. *sigh* I've been doing really well but I honestly thought that I'd be more than 3 lbs down by now. I know, I know, slow is the best way, just frustrating.

Okay, off to clean house and play with the kids since they are home today!

Day 7

Still at 211 lbs. YAY!

Medieval Times was FABULOUS! Made me so happy that Sarge could go with me. Very odd to be on a double date with my sister, but it was very nice. My first time there, ever.

Kind of slacked off on the exercise this weekend (just my 30 minutes a day from walking to work) but kept control of the eating.

Tomorrow is my day off so I'll spend it cleaning, working out and getting stuff set up to get Sarge's Valentine pressie.

Will post official weight and new photos *gulp* tomorrow.

Day Six

211.4 lbs this morning and new photos (with better lighting) and measurements soon!

Wow, this journal is really working wonders for me. I've been far more positive this attempt to change my eating habits. Yesterday instead of eating a bunch of cookies that were readily available in the bakery I had one of my favorite cookies, just one. Anytime I thought of eating some readily available goodie in the bakery I would think about this blog and how it would stall my progress.

This evening Sarge and I are going on a double date with my sister and her boyfriend. How weird is that? It should be cool, we are going to Medieval Times. I've never been, D worked there many, many years ago, Sarge has been years ago and I'm not sure about D's bf.

Okay, I have to get ready for work.

Day Five

211 lbs this morning! Yeah! I know it'll probably be back at 212 lbs later in the day when I work out and all, but first thing this morning read 211.0 lbs. That gives me such a big smile.

Another reason to smile, a nice long evening with Sarge. We talked about going away to do a Murder Mystery Weekend. He liked the sound of it and of course I did as well since it's my idea. First things first, we need to nail down a time we can go see the King Tut exhibit, this is my Valentine's Day pressent to Sarge.

All in all, it's a lovely start to the day.

Day Four

Ah, I'm such a dork some days. I got up this morning, got ready for work and got there at 7:15 am only to discover I don't have to be at work until 11 am! Back home I go. Eh, gives me a chance to fix my lunch since I was in a rush this morning and only grabbed a pack of instant oatmeal and an apple.

Moving on, I took D and the kids out to dinner last night since D just got back in town from her trip to Paris, France. We went out for Chinese buffet as this is D's favorite type of restaurant. Despite my trips to the buffet line I still weigh the same this morning. YAY! And I'll end up logging in a good 45 minutes of walking from my mistake of going to work at the wrong time (15 mins each way - I got a ride home this morning because it's cold). It's all good.

Ah well, going to see if I can get a bit more housework done before I have to get my uniform back on and head bck to work.

Day Three

I think I can safely put myself at 212 lbs. I weighed myself this morning at 212.0, this afternoon at 212.8 and just now at 212.4. YAY! Though I'd love to go with what the Wii Fit has as my weight, at 209 lbs. Gawd I love the Wii Fit just for that reason! LOL! I'm going to go with what my scale says though. Which puts me at a 2 lb loss! Woohoo! To be honest I just see this as establishing what my actual weight is at the moment. I just got off my period so I'm sure part of this loss is just water rention. Eh, whatever, 212 it is!

AND I just got done working out... not just Wii Fit working out, but REAL working out with a HARD workout DVD. I opened up my The Firm DVD's that have been sitting on the entertainment center for almost a month. I have a whole set of The Firm video tapes that I bought about 14 years ago! Sadly many aren't even opened. I never worked up past the 3rd tape (they are challenging in a really good way). I'll probably go back to some of the old VHS tapes as well as the 5 new DVD's as I've always loved the intensity of The Firm workouts. That being said, WTF? Why do I keep giving them up? I absolutly LOVE the feeling of acomplishment I get from finishing the workouts and I do feel stronger when I do them, so WHY do I keep letting it fall by the wayside? Eh, maybe this semi-public commitment to working out will spur me on to keep up with the workouts. Supposed to see results in 10 workouts, I'm sure I will.

I have to keep my goal in sight (losing 50 lbs) and remember that I'm 37, 5' 1.5" and 212 lbs. I'm OBESE. MORBIDLY OBESE actually. Yikes, that's a horrible phrase. I need to get to 190 to just be considered Severely Obese (another horrible phrase). Things to keep in mind. Well those and the fact that I'd really like to wear something skimpy and sexy for Halloween. ;)

Day Two

According to the Wii Fit I'm at 209 lbs. though according to my scale I'm at 212 this morning and 213 just now. I'm going to go by tonight's measurment and say 213 lbs now. Not bad, not bad. Not as fast as I'd hope for it coming off (remember, I've been doing this for about a week or so already), but headed in the right direction. I have to keep in mind that less than 10 years ago I was a staggering 265 lbs (right before I got pregnant with both of my kids) and as of July of 2007 I was 231. This time last year I was at 217, so honestly, I haven't done to horribly - just slowly, very, very slowly.

Today I was reading another blog of a woman tring to lose weight (actually where I got the idea to put this in writing and make it somewhat public) and she posed the painful question of "Why am I fat?" Seems like the answer would be obvious (I eat to much and move to little) but it's not. And yet, I do know the answer, it's just hard to admit and to be honest, it's embarassing. I eat because I'm emotionally sensitive. Rejection frightens me and sometimes I hate myself so much I look for ways to punish myself that aren't obvious (like cutting). And sometimes, I just can't stop myself from eating, a crushing compulsion to eat, which only makes me feel worse because I know how horrible it is and honestly I really don't even enjoy what I eat, I just have to. Psychologically, I'm a bit shaky and maybe I should be on medication, but I'm not. As far as exercising, I do love to exercise but I've got Fat Girl Phobia. I fear looking rediculous because I'm big, I fear not being able to fit in things (like seats, etc.), I fear not being able to do something because I'm fat and having people laugh at me, I fear being mocked because of my size.

This is a new year and a new slate. I'm determined to have things work out for me this year. I will reach my goals this year. My business will be successful, I will get my dental work done, I will finally get my divorce, I will be independent, I will move in with the man I love, I will be a better mother and I WILL GET HEALTHY. I'm going overcome my Fat Girl Phobia and throw myself into working out again. This time next year I want to be a SUCCESS story.

Day One...

Wow, that was SO hard to do! Just post a couple of pictures. My BEFORE pictures... which are really my NOW pictures. Yikes.

And now another somewhat difficult thing to do... post my measurements.

Bust 47
Waist 40
Hips 52 *gasp*

I actually took more measurements, but I think I'll just leave it at this as these really are my worst measurements.

And my weight... 214 lbs this morning. (The Wii Fit said I was 211, but I think it's just trying to make me feel good.)

This isn't actually my FIRST DAY of my journey to get healthy, just my first of the blog. I've been doing this for about the past week, but to be totally honest, I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to just fall face first into a box of cookies after a day or two. And I haven't. Today I went to lunch at a Chinese Buffet with the ex and the kids, I'll admit, I know I ate more than I should have. This time was different though, I usually will eat until I'm FULL, today, I just ate a little past satisfied. And I didn't have dinner. Not because I was punishing myself for the buffet lunch, but because I'm not hungry. See I'm working on listening to my stomach and my body for clues of hunger instead of listening to my head which is sometimes just bored or lonely or angry or whatever, but not genuinely hungry. It's been kind of hard actually, not hard like trying to change a tire in rain on a chilly night (my ex had to do that once, I held the flashlight for him) but hard like trying to read a book in the middle of a really really loud party full of people trying to talk to me. That would be food trying to talk to me. Eat me! Eat me! We are so tasty! I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to ignore those little food voices and tell them to screw off instead of look sad and feel like apologizing to the food voices for letting them down by not devouring them in less time than it takes to breath. It's a process, but I'll get there.

My goal? To lose 50 lbs this year. I know, big goal. I can do it though. I want to look hot enough to wear a skimpy, sexy costume by Halloween. Yes I know, I'm shallow and yes I know I could wear a skimpy, sexy costume now, I just won't.

So here I am, blogging about my weight loss efforts. I will succeed. Just watch ;)