Chubby Cupcake

208!!!

2009-03-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Woohoo! I weighed in at 208 lbs this morning. I'm surprised since I had cheeseburgers with the girls for dinner last night.

Let's see, what's been happening... I feel firmly off the wagon after Super Girl's birthday. All that birthday cake and crazy eating had me back up to 214 lbs. by Ash Wednesday. I decided to do Lent to support my friend Sandy in her Lenten giving up of things. I've given up junk food and most meats except for two dinners a week. It was hard the first couple of days but it's easy now. Also, I talked to my Dr. about my depression and got on some antidepressants. The antidepressant has really killed my appetite for the most part. Which is nice! And now I'm at 208!! YAY! I'm hoping that I can be at 200 lbs by the end of Lent which is the beginning of Passover so it'll just continue on for me.

Stats as of yesterday:

Date:	03/09/2009
Neck:
Bicep:
Forearm:
Chest:
Waist:
Hips:
Thigh:
Calf:

Body Over Time

Summary

I'll try to get a new photo soon.

Another Week Down

2009-02-18T15:46:00.001-08:00

Seems I've hit a plateau. *sigh* I haven't lost much and I'm already at a stand still. I'm at 209 lbs. I suppose that's good since I'm not back at 214 or 231 or worse. Frustrating though. In spite of that, I've gone down a smidge in my measurements.

Date:	02/18/2009
Neck:
Bicep:
Forearm:
Chest:
Waist:
Hips:
Thigh:
Calf:

I need to take another photo so I can compare. I don't see a difference but I had someone at work say something, so, meh, who knows. I'll photo after I put on some make up and clothes.

I'm going to actually make a menu for myself and a workout schedule. I'm premenstrual so it's hard to keep on a good eating routine, ie to not shove anything covered in sugar in my mouth. I've also been eating more bread, albeit really good for you whole grain bread full of fiber, I still wonder if that's slowing my weight loss to a crawl. In the past I've had a shitload of trouble losing if I didn't cut carbs really low and I guess that's still holding true. Blah.

On to other things, my hair feels so wonderful! I gave it a really long olive oil treatment followed by another conditioning treatment and it's really nice and soft even though I blow dried it. It smells so lovely too! Eh gotta finish cleaning.

This Weeks Measurements!

2009-02-11T12:08:00.000-08:00

Date:	02/11/2009
Neck:
Bicep:
Forearm:
Chest:
Waist:
Hips:
Thigh:
Calf:

How exciting. They changed! A whole .5 in. I gained .5 inch in my thigh. not the right direction. And I'm weighing in at 209 lbs today. So WTF?

Eh. Numbers, numbers, numbers. More stress for me with the numbers. I wish I was one of those people who just 'forgot to eat' or could just 'eat what I want' and never gain. But I'm not. Years of emotional eating and depression have made it so I never forget to eat and I CAN and often DO eat whatever I want but I always gain from it. I know that eating right and exercising make the depression less of an issue, but that damn emotional eating is a bitch. Right now I'm really stressed at work and not getting much time to work out... er.. not taking the time to work out. And... I'm not losing much either. Damn it. I hate it when I know how to fix my own problems. ;) Not really, sometimes I just need to sit and write it out to focus on my problem and how I do have the power to solve it. Maybe I need to do this every day. That and develop more patience.

anyway there are the numbers. Tonight (hopefully - depends on his schedule), I'll be making a lovely steak dinner for Sarge as a Valentine's treat. Just steak and veggies, no starches and no dessert. I really WANT to bring dessert but I think it's best I don't. I'm already bringing him a cute candy box filled with Kisses. It's adorable, says Happiness on the front and it's shaped like a Chinese food take out but it's glass. That and some funky tea.

Okay off to go work out, I've managed to make myself feel guilty about that ;)

Stepping back

2009-02-09T20:04:00.001-08:00

Damn... weighed in at 210.0 lbs just now. blah. I know it's because I haven't been very good on my eating plan this week. *sigh* No excuses, that's just it. I ate.

Tomorrow is a new day and back at work for me. Here are my photos for this week. New outfit, new hair.

I've got a migraine so I have no motivation to take measurements. I'll do it tomorrow.

Down Some!!

2009-02-05T11:53:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! I weighed in at 209.8 lbs just now! I was starting to think I'd be stuck going from 210 up to 211 lbs for a while. YAY! I know, it's not much, but it's SOMETHING! (I weighed at 208 lbs this morning). Happy dance! Happy Dance!

Temptation

2009-02-03T19:45:00.000-08:00

Fuck, I hate PMS! I must have eaten 200 cookies today (not really). I worked 12 hours straight. I'm so tired.

Week 3 Start

2009-02-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

I weighed in at 210.4 lbs this morning. So 1 lb down for the week. A total of 4 since I started. I'm disappointed with the 1 lb. Though I keep telling myself that slow is the way to make it last. Still... hard to not be a tad disappointed - I'm really craving RESULTS. Visible results.

Date:	02/02/2009
Neck:
Bicep:
Forearm:
Chest:
Waist:
Hips:
Thigh:
Calf:

I've lost half an inch in my thighs and an inch in my calf! Woohoo, way to go visible change. *sigh* It's a change, and change is good. Think positive, think positive.

Moving on, I already worked out today. I'm going to be working on getting my pigsty of a casa cleaned up and things gotten rid of. With Dixie moving out the girls should have room for their toys and stuff in their own rooms. That and I'm just sick of all the crap everywhere. I want to get rid of one of my sofas and have more room in the livingroom. I need to go through my room and the rest of the apartment and make more room all together. I'm going to make a chore chart for the girls of things they have to get done every day. I need one for myself as well. Changes. Lots of changes. All good.

Motivation?

2009-02-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

Where have you gone? Blah.

This week has kind of sucked. I didn't work out other than to walk to and from work. I didn't get much done around the house and I didn't stick with my eating well like I intended to. Granted I didn't eat a pint of ice cream every night, I just didn't stick with it the way I'd like.

That being said, I'm going to be very Zen about it and let it go. I start a new week tomorrow and with a new week will come a renewal of my commitment to becoming a healthier me with a healthier and slimmer body.

Dear Judy;

It's okay that you weren't perfect this past week. Let's just start anew. Every day you stick with me on this, you become a stronger, healthier person. You get closer to your goal. Dont' lose sight! We CAN do this! We WILL accomplish this!

Love
Judy

I HEART Starbucks

2009-01-31T04:58:00.001-08:00

Cup #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

Anne Morris

What a lovely sentiment on a cup filled with my favorite beverage.

Day 11

2009-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

Goodness, I am tired. Not that I had an extremely long day (that was Tuesday for me) it was just really busy with things that had to get done. And yet I still left feeling as if i didn't get much accomplished.

Today was a much better day as far as food control went. I was fearing that I was about to take a dive off the wagon and into a box of cookies, but I've gotten back on the wagon. It's all going quite well today. Dinner was a spectacular array of tasty veggies. Even the oldest Tiny Terrorist liked it. And bread, yummy whole wheat, multigrain bread. Very tasty.

Weighed in at 210.4 this morning, but I'm waiting to get that reading another day before I actually count that as my weight.

Day 10

2009-01-28T08:34:00.001-08:00

Wow, things have been busy. I intended to post photos and an update on Monday my day off but I got side tracked when D came home. Unfortunately I let the busy get in the way of getting things done, so I didn't get the photos posted, I didn't work out and I just really didn't do much of anything. Blah.

So here are the official photos for Week 2.

From the front.

From the side.

Wow, I didn't think it was possible for the photos to be worse than last week. I decided to wear a different shirt but the same shorts and let the Tiny Terrorists take the photos for me (that's why the side photo is so blurry, the youngest TT took it for me).

I weighed in at 211 lbs this morning. I'm sure that has something to do with having chili pasta for dinner with several pieces of yummy gourmet rosemary bread. It was a wonderful dinner for an icy night but not so fabulous for my waist line. *sigh* I've been doing really well but I honestly thought that I'd be more than 3 lbs down by now. I know, I know, slow is the best way, just frustrating.

Okay, off to clean house and play with the kids since they are home today!

Day 7

2009-01-25T20:52:00.000-08:00

Still at 211 lbs. YAY!

Medieval Times was FABULOUS! Made me so happy that Sarge could go with me. Very odd to be on a double date with my sister, but it was very nice. My first time there, ever.

Kind of slacked off on the exercise this weekend (just my 30 minutes a day from walking to work) but kept control of the eating.

Tomorrow is my day off so I'll spend it cleaning, working out and getting stuff set up to get Sarge's Valentine pressie.

Will post official weight and new photos *gulp* tomorrow.

Day Six

2009-01-24T04:13:00.000-08:00

211.4 lbs this morning and new photos (with better lighting) and measurements soon!

Wow, this journal is really working wonders for me. I've been far more positive this attempt to change my eating habits. Yesterday instead of eating a bunch of cookies that were readily available in the bakery I had one of my favorite cookies, just one. Anytime I thought of eating some readily available goodie in the bakery I would think about this blog and how it would stall my progress.

This evening Sarge and I are going on a double date with my sister and her boyfriend. How weird is that? It should be cool, we are going to Medieval Times. I've never been, D worked there many, many years ago, Sarge has been years ago and I'm not sure about D's bf.

Okay, I have to get ready for work.

Day Five

2009-01-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

211 lbs this morning! Yeah! I know it'll probably be back at 212 lbs later in the day when I work out and all, but first thing this morning read 211.0 lbs. That gives me such a big smile.

Another reason to smile, a nice long evening with Sarge. We talked about going away to do a Murder Mystery Weekend. He liked the sound of it and of course I did as well since it's my idea. First things first, we need to nail down a time we can go see the King Tut exhibit, this is my Valentine's Day pressent to Sarge.

All in all, it's a lovely start to the day.

Day Four

2009-01-22T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ah, I'm such a dork some days. I got up this morning, got ready for work and got there at 7:15 am only to discover I don't have to be at work until 11 am! Back home I go. Eh, gives me a chance to fix my lunch since I was in a rush this morning and only grabbed a pack of instant oatmeal and an apple.

Moving on, I took D and the kids out to dinner last night since D just got back in town from her trip to Paris, France. We went out for Chinese buffet as this is D's favorite type of restaurant. Despite my trips to the buffet line I still weigh the same this morning. YAY! And I'll end up logging in a good 45 minutes of walking from my mistake of going to work at the wrong time (15 mins each way - I got a ride home this morning because it's cold). It's all good.

Ah well, going to see if I can get a bit more housework done before I have to get my uniform back on and head bck to work.

Day Three

2009-01-21T12:12:00.001-08:00

I think I can safely put myself at 212 lbs. I weighed myself this morning at 212.0, this afternoon at 212.8 and just now at 212.4. YAY! Though I'd love to go with what the Wii Fit has as my weight, at 209 lbs. Gawd I love the Wii Fit just for that reason! LOL! I'm going to go with what my scale says though. Which puts me at a 2 lb loss! Woohoo! To be honest I just see this as establishing what my actual weight is at the moment. I just got off my period so I'm sure part of this loss is just water rention. Eh, whatever, 212 it is!

AND I just got done working out... not just Wii Fit working out, but REAL working out with a HARD workout DVD. I opened up my The Firm DVD's that have been sitting on the entertainment center for almost a month. I have a whole set of The Firm video tapes that I bought about 14 years ago! Sadly many aren't even opened. I never worked up past the 3rd tape (they are challenging in a really good way). I'll probably go back to some of the old VHS tapes as well as the 5 new DVD's as I've always loved the intensity of The Firm workouts. That being said, WTF? Why do I keep giving them up? I absolutly LOVE the feeling of acomplishment I get from finishing the workouts and I do feel stronger when I do them, so WHY do I keep letting it fall by the wayside? Eh, maybe this semi-public commitment to working out will spur me on to keep up with the workouts. Supposed to see results in 10 workouts, I'm sure I will.

I have to keep my goal in sight (losing 50 lbs) and remember that I'm 37, 5' 1.5" and 212 lbs. I'm OBESE. MORBIDLY OBESE actually. Yikes, that's a horrible phrase. I need to get to 190 to just be considered Severely Obese (another horrible phrase). Things to keep in mind. Well those and the fact that I'd really like to wear something skimpy and sexy for Halloween. ;)

Day Two

2009-01-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

According to the Wii Fit I'm at 209 lbs. though according to my scale I'm at 212 this morning and 213 just now. I'm going to go by tonight's measurment and say 213 lbs now. Not bad, not bad. Not as fast as I'd hope for it coming off (remember, I've been doing this for about a week or so already), but headed in the right direction. I have to keep in mind that less than 10 years ago I was a staggering 265 lbs (right before I got pregnant with both of my kids) and as of July of 2007 I was 231. This time last year I was at 217, so honestly, I haven't done to horribly - just slowly, very, very slowly.

Today I was reading another blog of a woman tring to lose weight (actually where I got the idea to put this in writing and make it somewhat public) and she posed the painful question of "Why am I fat?" Seems like the answer would be obvious (I eat to much and move to little) but it's not. And yet, I do know the answer, it's just hard to admit and to be honest, it's embarassing. I eat because I'm emotionally sensitive. Rejection frightens me and sometimes I hate myself so much I look for ways to punish myself that aren't obvious (like cutting). And sometimes, I just can't stop myself from eating, a crushing compulsion to eat, which only makes me feel worse because I know how horrible it is and honestly I really don't even enjoy what I eat, I just have to. Psychologically, I'm a bit shaky and maybe I should be on medication, but I'm not. As far as exercising, I do love to exercise but I've got Fat Girl Phobia. I fear looking rediculous because I'm big, I fear not being able to fit in things (like seats, etc.), I fear not being able to do something because I'm fat and having people laugh at me, I fear being mocked because of my size.

This is a new year and a new slate. I'm determined to have things work out for me this year. I will reach my goals this year. My business will be successful, I will get my dental work done, I will finally get my divorce, I will be independent, I will move in with the man I love, I will be a better mother and I WILL GET HEALTHY. I'm going overcome my Fat Girl Phobia and throw myself into working out again. This time next year I want to be a SUCCESS story.

Day One...

2009-01-19T21:09:00.001-08:00

Wow, that was SO hard to do! Just post a couple of pictures. My BEFORE pictures... which are really my NOW pictures. Yikes.

And now another somewhat difficult thing to do... post my measurements.

Bust 47
Waist 40
Hips 52 *gasp*

I actually took more measurements, but I think I'll just leave it at this as these really are my worst measurements.

And my weight... 214 lbs this morning. (The Wii Fit said I was 211, but I think it's just trying to make me feel good.)

This isn't actually my FIRST DAY of my journey to get healthy, just my first of the blog. I've been doing this for about the past week, but to be totally honest, I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to just fall face first into a box of cookies after a day or two. And I haven't. Today I went to lunch at a Chinese Buffet with the ex and the kids, I'll admit, I know I ate more than I should have. This time was different though, I usually will eat until I'm FULL, today, I just ate a little past satisfied. And I didn't have dinner. Not because I was punishing myself for the buffet lunch, but because I'm not hungry. See I'm working on listening to my stomach and my body for clues of hunger instead of listening to my head which is sometimes just bored or lonely or angry or whatever, but not genuinely hungry. It's been kind of hard actually, not hard like trying to change a tire in rain on a chilly night (my ex had to do that once, I held the flashlight for him) but hard like trying to read a book in the middle of a really really loud party full of people trying to talk to me. That would be food trying to talk to me. Eat me! Eat me! We are so tasty! I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to ignore those little food voices and tell them to screw off instead of look sad and feel like apologizing to the food voices for letting them down by not devouring them in less time than it takes to breath. It's a process, but I'll get there.

My goal? To lose 50 lbs this year. I know, big goal. I can do it though. I want to look hot enough to wear a skimpy, sexy costume by Halloween. Yes I know, I'm shallow and yes I know I could wear a skimpy, sexy costume now, I just won't.

So here I am, blogging about my weight loss efforts. I will succeed. Just watch ;)